bills, bills and more bills

What a cliched title for a post, but really, who knew how much water from your very own tap costs? And this is with two kids who don't bathe particularly often.

I'm amazed at how different my spending habits have become. I used to shop for fun, for recreation, for enjoyment. And now? I can't. The thought of buying something literally makes my stomach turn. The one time I went to Fred Meyer in this whole debacle, to buy a yahrtzeit candle, I thought I might fall on the floor and weep. I cannot be around commerce right now.

Jeff on the other hand doesn't seem to have that problem, and here it is nearly the end of Elul and I'm trying to let go of anger and rancor, but I wish he'd stop. Move to the world that I live in. The other day he left his power supply cord at home, was too busy to come home and get it, so he bought a new one. He tells me that he'll return it, but he hasn't yet. It's this kind of thing that makes it hard to move on. To pull ourselves up and move into 5770 with an unbroken heart. And really, I don't think Apple is in the business of lending out power cords. Are they really going to give him a full refund for a used power cord. We just can't be throwing money out the window like this, and I can tell myself not to get pissed, but how can I not?

And then there's the thing with Eric. They seem to be applying for some kind of grant money. And I guess it's like one of those writing contests where you pay to enter, and the winner gets a cash prize. And I don't doubt that they can win. I don't doubt Jeff's talent and commitment and unique brand of brilliance. But I'm in shock, I really am. It cost a lot of money, nearly $200. That's two weeks of groceries. He says Eric will pay him back and I believe him because I have to because if I don't have faith in him and trust than we have nothing, but what do I tell that part of myself that asks "what if he doesn't?" What if its gone forever? How can we get through this then.

And when is he going to start packing a lunch? And putting receipts in "the envelope." The bigger question I guess is when will I stop thinking this way? I want to trust him, I do.

On the good side Jeff's friend Ed is starting his own business. Jeff told him to call him back when he has money to pay him. So hallelujah. I know it pains Jeff to say no to new business ventures. That he loves building a company like nothing else and pouring all of that passion and dedication into a new venture. But he said no. So there is hope.