ooof gozal

The title of today's post is dedicated to Eli Alexander Katz. Kindergartner extraordinaire!

Back to fall of the house of Katz:

Jeff got home on Monday zonked out of his mind from lack of sleep. We had to postpone our weekly "meeting" until Tuesday, where, in the AM he told me that he had a softball game. I wanted to talk on Wednesday night. He wanted to just wait until Sunday, and do two weeks at once. I agreed because I am trying to be supportive and I know that all of this is difficult for Jeff.
Except that I'm not. Supportive that is.

The big blow out came later on in the day, after Mira was home from school. I've been doing poorly on my pre-GRE tests. I'm going crazy after a long summer and a really stressful week coming up next week. We got another goddamn bill from a collection agency. I blew up. We screamed. Jeff through his keyboard and nearly broke his wrist. We did this in front of our kids. They didn't even cry. They just gave us that heartbreaking innocently bewildered angry look and separated us. Really. Eli pushed me out of the room. They don't know how much they saved us, how much they are saving us.

He didn't play today. We made up but we are not okay. I am going to try to let go of being angry. I hate being angry. Jeff is going to try to heal. But trying is not doing and I am not a patient person. I want it fixed and I want it fixed now.

Libby called last night offering friendship or loans or whatever. She saw me freak out when Mira's tooth fell out. Really, if I have to pay any more money for this tooth I might crumple. I had a good crumple yesterday. On the couch, underneath the green blanket while everyone was at soccer. I collapsed. And then I got up and made pasta because the choice to collapse doesn't really exist.
I can see all of this in my face. What kind of year will we have. I always expected some kind of release on Eli's first day of Kindergarten. I don't know. Mostly it was empty.