growing up rabbi

I wonder really how much in the end this had any true impact upon my life.

I was essentially raised of course by mom. I was only seven years old when my parents got divorced for the second (and last) time. Dad married Jean and moved to DC. The memories I have of my parents being married to each other are foggy at best. When I really try to look back on my life it's hard to see anything before the time it became just mom and me.

There was the congregational seder at Beth Am in Cleveland where I drank four glasses of wine and became the star of the synagogue. There were Shabbat dinners with a lot of people I didn't know. Mostly there was yelling. Dad yelling at mom and at us. Mom yelling back at him but usually not at us. Usually she comforted us. Most of the time. There was their second marriage that we all went to in dad's office. I wore a winny the poo dress and got to sip some wine. (hmmm.... are we sensing a pattern here). This wedding had absolutely no similarity to any wedding I had ever seen before on TV. My mother did not wear a white dress, nor did she march down any aisle. There were no bridesmaids, no toasts, no parties. No one saying "do you Alex take thee Marilyn to be your lawfully wedded wife?" It was absolutely not like Carol and Mike's wedding on the Brady Bunch. This was possibly the most disappointing moment of my life. Growing up rabbi, not Brady.

Then there was the "family meeting". I can't remember much about my childhood but I remember this one like it was yesterday. First their was the announcement that we were having a family meeting. This in and of itself was big. The announcement was not made just to Beth and Phil and Jon but to me too. These meetings had happened before. I know they had but I had never gotten wind of the announcement. I'm not sure what they did with me but I'm certain they had them without my presence. Really, being in on the announcement assured me two things. We actually were a family. Really, a family. We so didn't seem like on. Also, I was a part of it, I was in the family. I'm not sure but the relief I felt at this was palpable. I knew I was okay, like the Brady's I had a family.

I brought this sense of relief to the meeting with me. We were all there all six of us. This was a rare occasion. Beth must have been in College by then so maybe it was Winter Break. The number of times the six of have been together in one room since that family meeting have been exactly four. The next time would be at my Bat Mitzvah. After that would be Phil's wedding, my wedding and then at mom's bedside before she died. I remember having that same feeling at each one of those occasions. It was a sick kind of relief like a six year old feels when they wet thier pants. I had a family, I really did. I am from somewhere.

Dad ran the meeting. Mom sat pretty quiet like one of the kids. He told us that they were getting divorced and that he would be marrying Jean. I don't remember what else he said. Probably that he loved us. I hope he said that. I know that he did, both of them did. Mom did eventually speak up. She told us it was a good thing. There would be no more fighting in the house. When two people can't live together without fighting all of the time it is better if they get divorced. The thing is that I knew at that moment she was right. She was absolutely right. I had never known a house that didn't echo with shouts. Where we didn't have to walk on eggshells around my dad. A house without fighting? Being invited to the family meeting? This was better than I thought. In that exact moment, I lost my family in the instance that I found them. We would never be the same again. Really, we would almost never all be together again. But it would be better and now that we were a family we would be a better family.

Strangely enough, it worked. They had a good divorce. As bad as their marriage was they did divorce pretty well. I never had any doubt that I was loved. Desperately and completely loved and adored and liked and respected (sort of). I know that Phil and Jon and Beth felt the same way.

So did growing rabbi affect the person that I have become? Do I even have the right to claim that I did in fact grow up rabbi? It goes back again to the moment at the seder. Most of my life has been an attempt to recreate that moment. Being the star. The star of the synagogue. And also not divorced. Absolutely not. With a real, true family which doesn't look Graubart, and not even Brady. The perfect family. Two parents, two kids, one boy and one girl. Everything totally normal. And the star of the synagogue.