You deserve it

I signed up for a writing class. An actual real official writing class taught by an actual real official writer whose books I own.

Honestly once I found out about the class I didn't hesitate. It meets at a time of day that I am not working. It is expensive but we can afford it. I was excited to tell my one friend who is a real writer. I knew that she would be happy for me. She is a wonderful friend. She beams when she sees her friends approaching. She is encouraging and caring and insightful. When I told her about the class she hugged me and told me that I deserved it.

This is also what she did when I told her that I was going to Mexico with Beth and when I got new shoes. Also, when I ate dinner at Blossuming Loutus before I taught Melton, and when I got my hair highlighted. "I'm so happy for you Amy, you really deserve it."

Huh? What is she talking about? When I do things for myself it is not because I deserve them it is because I want them. I want new jeans, and writing classes, and girls nights, and vacations, and good food and pretty hair. Generally when I want something that is in my reach I get it. Why not? But people tell me that all of the time when they see me with something new. Good for you, Amy you really deserve it!

I'm not sure where they are getting the idea that I deserve theses things. Is it because I am not supposed to want things? Is it because most of the time I am giving so it doesn't seem to the outside world that I want? But, I do, of course I do. Why do giving and wanting have to be mutually exclusive? I love to give. I love to volunteer and make people dinner and nurture and take care of. So, why shouldn't I do the same for myself? But no one deserves what they give themselves. They want it, they do it, end of the story.

I do worry about people who don't allow themselves to have what they want. What a said life! Boy, are they missing out. I see the other side of all of this as well. The woman who you never see wearing the same shoes twice. The one with the nanny and the new car, and the new kitchen. No one tells her she deserves things either. She doesn't come across as a giver but a taker. She is the other extreme. She is the one we are all afraid of turning into. Therefore we tell each other that we deserve what we do for ourselves. Unlike her, the taker.

I think I got this one exactly right, thanks Mom! Taking care of others is important. It's huge, its the reason we women are here. I know that sounds horrible but its the nature of the world. But we must take care of ourselves too. Not because we deserve to but because we want to. And we are allowed to want. Wanting makes us human.